What if I told you there was a medication that could give you purpose, meaning, and self-worth, and help create connection? The act of giving and receiving in relationships is the closest thing we have to that magic pill.
We like to believe that just giving itself is what helps us, but in reality it helps us through so many mechanisms.
What Are the Benefits of Giving?
Giving gives us purpose and meaning by reminding us that our acts are noticed, appreciated, and matter to the world.
It helps create connections by forming bonds with the people you help, and also with the other people that are giving with you, that probably share the same values.
It’s a way of connecting in the world in the best way possible, which is to make the world around us better than we found it. It also confirms self worth, by proving to ourselves that we have something to offer the world. It also reminds us that no matter how hurt or ill we are, we always have something we can give that other people don’t have.
Giving and Receiving in Relationships Remind Us We’re Not Alone
By connecting with others, we see with our own eyes that we’re not alone in our suffering, and that suffering is common to humanity in one way or another. As we grow closer to people who need our help, we often begin to see bonds and similarities we may not have noticed before.
A middle-class person can learn from someone in greater need how easily life can shift, from a secure job and family to having nothing after a divorce and then a flood. I remember being humbled by a homeless man I worked with who had been a high-level executive just a few years earlier.
Those are the things we receive in the act of giving. When all of this is happening at the same time, it’s hard not to feel better.
True Giving vs. Trade
Giving is not when we do something in exchange for something else. That’s called trade or barter. If you give so that you can deduct it from taxes, or so you can impress someone, that’s still a great choice and very kind. But it’s not the kind of giving I’m talking about.
The type of giving I’m talking about here is the act of giving something, or time, or expertise, or support someone… only for the purpose of giving. What is okay is if you’re giving to feel better. This gets into a philosophical debate around altruism which we won’t get into.
But I believe giving so that you can feel better about yourself is a wonderful effort. And studies do support that giving is one of the healthiest things we can do. People who give are always healthier than those who don’t.
Unfortunately so much of Western culture is about building wealth and protecting our own things, which can be just the opposite of what’s emotionally healthy. One of the greatest things you can give that really tests your willingness to give, is love.
We can give love out to whoever we choose. And when we love someone truly, we don’t expect them to do anything back. We love because we just want to give our love to that person, it’s not conditional on whether or not they return a favor.
Giving Without Expectation
If you’re ever giving, and it feels like a chore, know that it only comes when you’re expecting something from it… maybe expecting that they’ll notice how nice we are, or hoping to impress a friend when you tell them about it.
A true act of giving can’t be a chore, because there’s no purpose to begin with! We may think we’re doing dishes for a partner just because we want to be nice and give. But how often do we get upset if we’re not told thanks, or they don’t do something nice in return, or accept an apology after we do the dishes?
If you get upset, what that shows is you weren’t really doing it just to give, but actually as a form of work in hopes of a return. That’s an expectation of trade, not giving.
If it feels like a chore, ask yourself what you may secretly be hoping to get from it, and then you could try the giving again without that expectation, or try giving something else where you actually won’t want anything in return.
Giving is something you can do in small and quick ways. Don’t wait until you have a huge amount of free time or money to give away. Start thinking about tiny acts that you can do with just a minute of your time, and you’ll start to notice how easy it can be.
A Daily Practice of Giving and Self Love
Every day this week, think of one very small thing you are going to do to give. A few ideas:
- Tell someone how special they are,
- Show your love for someone, or how you appreciate them,
- Buy a cup of coffee for the person behind you,
- Make the bed or do the dishes or a chore you normally don’t do,
- Hold the door if you don’t normally.
These small, daily acts of giving are simple ways to practice self love in action. When we give without expectation, we strengthen our sense of purpose, connection, and self-worth, and those are essential parts of emotional health.
