Almost no one develops an addiction without experiencing chronic emotional pain.
The more pain we experience, the more our bodies seek pleasure or numbness. The “Current of Addiction” shown below represents the path of least resistance.
Many people turn to things like drugs, alcohol, food, or pornography for temporary relief. But what emotional pain is driving you to seek this kind of false pleasure? That’s exactly what we’ll explore in this article.
What is Emotional Pain?
Emotional pain is anything that feels distressing or emotionally negative. It can manifest as a sad feeling – such as grief, loss, painful memories, hopelessness, a sense of defeat, believing you are bad, damaged, or evil, low self-worth, feeling undeserving, loneliness, not fitting in, emptiness, being teased, shame about who you are, or guilt over something you did.
It can also come from anxiety or worry – like fear, feeling scared, or being concerned about the future, finances, health, work, family, relationships, fear of judgment, or fear of trying new things or going out in public.
Anger is another common negative emotion, ranging from mild jealousy or a sense of injustice to intense rage. Boredom is another negative emotion on the more mild end, but can nevertheless be difficult to live with if it’s pervasive.
Then we can also think about the objects of those negative feelings. These will usually stem around relationships, and can be related to romance, close people, strangers, and every other kind of human connection. Other common objects of our feelings are around work, authority or lack of control, existential questions around meaning, and questions about our life trajectory.
When Emotional Pain Is Too Much, Be Open To What Hurts You
I’ve worked with several patients who initially say they don’t have any emotional pain or try to explain that their emotional stress is no different from anyone else’s.
The first thing to understand is that, with reflection, we often uncover something they didn’t realize was hurting them inside – such as being adopted, bullied, excluded, or forced to grow up too quickly due to a difficult home environment.
Just because you might think to yourself all the right things, and tell yourself that you shouldn’t be bothered by your past and “just move on”, that doesn’t mean your body and emotions are OK moving past something. Be open to what hurts you.
To the Brain, Emotional Pain Is the Same as Physical Pain
Emotional and physical pain are felt in the same region of the brain, and your body responds in similar ways. That means feeling like an outcast is going to light up the same area of the brain as the pain from a physical injury.
Another subtle thing to understand if you don’t think you have an emotional pain is that it’s more about how you interpret your emotions, than the emotions themselves.
True, someone else might have a more traumatic past than you, but soon we’ll go over why this isn’t about measuring how bad your life was. It’s more about paying attention to how your mind’s been programmed. Remember that emotional pain and addiction are signals the body’s giving that something hurts inside.
How To Tolerate Emotional Pain?
We can tolerate painful emotions by kindly accepting them as signals – and then learning to respond in healthier ways. It’s also important to recognize that pain naturally accompanies almost any effort in life, and to learn which types of pain might actually be healthy for you.
Most people struggle to tolerate emotions because they see them as bad or threatening. As a result, they don’t look closely enough to understand how to respond to them effectively.
In this article, we’ll work on building the skills to tolerate – not control – negative emotions. The goal is to help you find new meaning, appreciate life more deeply, and develop a healthier perspective on distress.
I will also help you gain more flexibility in how you see yourself. It’s OK to feel anything – but in appropriate ways and at appropriate times. Learn to respond to different people and situations with flexibility, rather than reacting rigidly based on past experiences. This kind of emotional flexibility is developed through tolerating your emotions and continually learning from them.
Negative Emotions Aren’t Supposed to Be Bad
The belief that emotions are bad comes from a place of logic and experience. Most cultures reinforce this idea with sayings like, “Oh, just buck up,” or “Just move on” – or by teasing people for showing emotion.
For men especially, there’s often more encouragement to express anger or aggression than to show what’s underneath the anger. Many of us also come to learn, through experience, that negative emotions are “bad.”
For example, if you were a child going through something terrible and knew that crying would only make things worse – maybe it led to more teasing, punishment, or overwhelmed your parents – then you likely adapted quickly by hiding your feelings.
If we suffer deeply and start to feel hopeless, we may learn to pretend everything is okay because we see no alternative. This mindset is reinforced when we watch our parents or role models act as if negative emotions should be hidden or denied. We’re led to believe something that everyone wishes were true, but isn’t: that we can feel better without ever addressing our pain. Yet deep down, we all instinctively know that’s impossible.
We always want to get stronger without lifting weights for years, or lose weight without being disciplined about food, or earn more money without working day in and day out. It’s the same with emotions – we can’t just pretend to feel good simply because we want to.
Why Do We Need Pain?
Emotion is our greatest teacher. We all know this because we’ve all had “gut feelings” about all kinds of things. That someone would hurt us, or that we should’ve chosen something else, or something was about to go wrong.
Those are moments where your emotions are trying to speak to you and teach you. They may not always be right, but they’re trying to get your mind’s attention. Your body actually needs a mechanism to know what you like and don’t like. It uses emotion to give you that feedback. How could it be any other way? How could your body ever tell you what to avoid or get away from if it didn’t have a negative emotional response? There’s no other way.
Any Signal from Pain Is an Opportunity to Learn and Adapt
A more important factor than the stress or hardships we face is how we perceive that stress. People who view stress as a natural part of life – or as part of growth and learning – don’t experience it as intensely as those who try to fight off their emotions because they see stress as harmful.
We wouldn’t want to think of exercise as damaging our muscles, even though that’s technically what’s happening in order to make us stronger. When we view it instead as a healthy stress on the body that helps us come back stronger after a few days, we interpret post-workout soreness not as terrible pain, but as a sign of progress – a signal that our muscles are learning and growing. Emotional pain can be viewed in the same way.
Painful Emotion Is Simply A Signal
You have to follow that signal to understand what it’s telling you, so you can decide whether you need to adapt – and how to adapt, if you choose to. Failure or distress is actually a signal, not a sign of inadequacy. Acknowledge and appreciate the signal.
Then be honest with yourself about what the appropriate response is. If you’re trying to become a better basketball player, you’d ask your coach about your weaknesses and work to improve them.
The last thing you want to do is avoid your weaknesses and spend years pretending they don’t exist. The strongest thing you can do is address them – this is true in every area of life.
Our pain and our weaknesses are often the best guides to growth. Any signal that comes from pain is an opportunity to learn and adapt.
A Powerful Tip for Handling Painful Emotions: Say “Hmmmm”
We usually respond immediately to our negative feelings with anger or frustration. Then, we get angry that something bad is happening, and then we even get upset that we’re upset! We ask ourselves why we can’t stop feeling angry, sad, or worried.
Instead, we can simply respond with “hmm.” Thank and be kind to any pain, since it’s your teacher. If people only praise you without giving feedback, you’ll have no idea how to grow or figure out what you need to learn in the world.
We’re okay saying “hmm” when we’re wondering about something… it’s time to start doing this with our negative emotions too. Saying “hmm” forces us to adopt the right tone and approach to pain. Here’s what that can sound like:
- Hmmm, why did that bother me so much?
- Hmmm, why do I feel so tense?
- Hmmm, why do I feel so rushed right now?
- Hmmm, why do I let him or her take advantage of me over and over?
- Hmmm, why am I getting so angry when I tell myself I don’t care?
- Hmmm, what types of things can I do to help me get over my friend’s death?
- Hmmm, do I know anyone who can help me meet new people?
- I know I messed up, but hmmm, will I ever feel like I deserve to be happy?
- Hmmm, what could ever help me feel like I deserve happiness?
A Case of Emotional Pain
Let’s walk through a specific scenario: getting dumped. We can be mad at the other person, mad at ourselves, or overly sad about the loss. But those feelings are simply based on the wish that it didn’t happen. To say “hmm” is to live in reality.
Here’s what that can sound like:
“Hmm, why did she leave me? OK, maybe I should ask. She said I’m controlling.
Hmm, is that accurate?
Hmm, should I ask some friends whether that seems true, or do I already know it is?
Hmm, am I OK with being controlling, or do I need to change that if I want a healthy relationship? Damn it, I hate myself for being that way!
Hmm, I noticed I just got very angry at myself for being controlling. I guess that means I’m not OK with that.
Hmm, how do I learn to be more open and trusting?
Hmm, are there any books on that? Any role models to turn to? But this’ll take so long! I’m so busy!
Hmm, why do I feel so rushed and pressured? Is it because I feel like I’m running out of time to meet someone?”
Well, not really. I suppose I don’t have to be perfect. I’m at least working on it. Maybe this time I’ll try to work on the weakness rather than defend it and try to be macho.”
Remember: We Can Be More Aware Of How We Respond To A Painful Emotion
We can always say “hmmm” and ask a question. Every moment you turn automatic frustration and intolerance toward yourself for having a bad feeling into a calm “hmmm,” you are training yourself to befriend your emotions and learn. As with everything, it takes practice. Imagine how many times you’ve learned to be frustrated with negative emotions.
It’s when we resist a truth or deny the need to adapt that we become ill. Emotions only persist when we ignore them. It’s the irony of emotions: the more we ignore them, the longer they stay. When we learn and adapt, emotions become our greatest friends and teachers.
Self-Recovery Helps You Address The Root Cause Of Addiction
I created Self Recovery to help you develop tools to manage emotional pain, cope with triggers, handle cravings, and build resilience.
This approach empowers you to take control of your journey while fostering self-compassion and personal growth. Discover more!
