Seeing a family member or friend struggle with addiction can be deeply challenging. One of the most common questions I hear in my practice is: “How do I support someone in recovery?”
The goal of this article is to share a few key concepts and practical approaches that can make this journey a little easier for both you and your loved one. I hope you find these insights helpful and encouraging.
The 6 Essential Tips: How to Support Someone in Recovery
Use these six strategies to support your loved one through their recovery journey.
1. Help Someone in Recovery by Being Supportive
The best approach to your friend or family member currently struggling with addiction is to accept them as they are. They’re turning to you and showing you this because they see you as a source of support, which means they find something in you they can depend on.
This may be the last thing you feel like doing, especially if you’re frustrated with their addiction and their failed efforts to stop. This is understandable – particularly if you’ve been hurt several times and feel that they haven’t been responsible. How could you not feel some resentment?
The problem is that being fed up and frustrated usually doesn’t help – otherwise, it probably would have already. It tends to increase guilt, shame, and self-blame.
Right now, the best thing you can do is simply express love, warmth, compassion, and understanding. Acceptance and love do not mean you need to forgive or condone certain actions, but rather that you accept their existence as a person and understand their circumstances in life. That’s your only job right now. It doesn’t require your time or money.
2. Voice Yourself from a Loving Place
If you remain resentful or confused, feel free to calmly express that, but do so from a warm place of care and concern. You’re also welcome to explain the difficulties you’ve experienced with the person struggling with addiction, as long as it comes from a loving place.
There is no need to hide anything. If you’re angry, it’s okay to express that their actions make you angry, but also try to find the compassion to let them know that you still accept them as a person. Messages that come from a place of compassion are always going to be heard much better than anything that feels like an attack. Even very tough messages can still be delivered with kindness.
3. Create Healthy Boundaries
You can maintain or create boundaries while still showing concern, compassion, or love. While I suggest an approach of understanding and acceptance, both of you need to recognize that the responsibility to change lies with the person who’s addicted – and nobody else.
It doesn’t matter who’s to blame or who owes whom what. If someone trips me and I scrape my leg, it may clearly be their fault, but it just became my problem.
They can help me get up and clean me off, but ultimately, I have that responsibility. Now’s a good time to let the addict know what you will and will not tolerate so that it’s clear from now on and they know what to expect.
4. Trust That the Addict Wants It to Stop – Even More Than You Do
Recognize that most of the time when you want the person to change, it only harms the relationship, since the underlying message they probably hear is: “I’m right, and you’re wrong.” If you can bring yourself to use a tone of curiosity toward the person struggling, you’ll probably connect much more directly around the issues.
That might sound something like:
“I know you want more for yourself, and it’s very hard for me to watch… Is there anything I can do that will realistically help you right now?”
That could lead to a request for a reasonable favor, or they may just want to hear that you support and care about them.
That tone is very different from something like:
“Why can’t you just change already? I can’t do anything more for you, and when I do, you mess it up anyway!”
Here is more about the paradox of willpower in addiction. Trust that the addict is usually far more frustrated with themselves than you might imagine – and usually more frustrated than you are – so using frustration as a motivator generally only causes more shame and difficulty in changing. We learn and change best when there’s some pressure, but not so much that the pressure becomes overwhelming.
5. Only Help or Guide Them If They Ask – and If You Want To
It’s okay to offer guidance if you’re asked, but it’s not helpful to make demands or explain your difficulties with their addiction just to make a point or get back at them.
One way to approach this is to acknowledge why they may have become addicted in the first place. When we respond and help only when asked, it’s usually far more productive and relieves some of the tension on both sides.
If we offer unsolicited help, it can interrupt an addict’s growth, since they need to learn much of this for themselves. Nobody learns to ride a bike just by listening and watching – we need to fall a bunch of times until we get it. Life works much the same way.
It can be hard to watch a loved one fall over and over, but use good discretion in deciding whether watching their failures is part of growth or outright dangerous. Consider asking friends what they think about witnessing certain kinds of failures and whether it makes sense to step in or not.
Another benefit of this approach is that it empowers the addict while also relieving much of the energy you’re probably spending on helping. They get to grow more while you spend less time and energy on them. Practicing this can truly be a win-win and help ease tension in the relationship.
6. Reflect on Your Tolerance
This is also a good time to examine yourself and ask why you tolerate the harm caused by an addict. It may be because of your love and concern, but it can also stem from your own guilt, insecurities, or a compulsion to fix people or be right.
Acknowledge that the addict is not trying to hurt you. Your frustration, anger, and impatience with them are your problems – just as their use and their problems are theirs. It’s always easier to focus on fixing others than ourselves, but that doesn’t mean we have to.
In fact, when we tolerate too much, we can actually have the opposite effect from what we intend. If we allow too much, the other person will always fill that space and push it to the limit. As the saying goes, “Give an inch, and they’ll take a mile.” The more you give, the more they may learn to depend on you instead of growing themselves.
I’m sure your time means a lot to the person going through this. You may also be interested in another article I wrote about supporting a loved one: How to Help a Partner Without a Fight.
I don’t doubt you’re both good people, each just doing your best, and I wish you two the best in learning from each other.
Discover the Self Recovery Toolbox for Supporting a Loved One
If you’re seeking guidance on how to assist someone struggling with addiction, I’ve created the Toolbox for Friends & Family to help.
As someone who has worked closely with people and families affected by addiction, I designed this toolkit to provide practical, evidence-based strategies that empower you to support your loved one effectively while also taking care of yourself. Discover more!
